Fried Ocean

Fried Ocean

Home
Shop
Archive
About

September 2025

Man Can’t Stop Thinking About How Delicious Neighbor’s Cat Looks
SPRINGFIELD, IL — Local resident Daniel Whitaker, 43, reportedly spent another sleepless night this week battling with one relentless thought: just how…
Perv Pillow Spends Most of Night Sniffing Woman’s Hair
In a disturbing revelation that has left both experts and bedding manufacturers unsettled, sources confirmed Thursday that a local pillow spent the…
Couple Willing To Include Gimp In Home Sale For The Right Price
BOULDER, CO — In a move that realtors are calling “unorthodox but technically legal,” a Boulder couple has announced they are open to including their…
Snail’s Shell No Match for Dickish Kid’s Sneaker
A neighborhood snail’s centuries-old evolutionary defense strategy proved completely useless Friday afternoon after it encountered the sneaker of a…
Scientists Horrified To Discover Tap Water Contains Nearly Twice as Much Hydrogen as Oxygen
A new federally funded study has sent shockwaves through the scientific community after researchers revealed that U.S.
Cheerful Throw Pillow Really Livens Up Local Meth Den
SPOKANE, WA— Residents of a local methamphetamine lab confirmed Friday that a single throw pillow has dramatically brightened the otherwise bleak space…
Study Reveals 72% Believe Dinosaurs Went Extinct After Losing Revolutionary War
A new survey has revealed a stunning historical misconception: nearly three-quarters of American adults believe dinosaurs went extinct not due to an…
Piñata of Family Pet Surprisingly Traumatic for Child
AUSTIN, TX — A birthday party for 8-year-old Mason Burke took an unexpected turn Saturday after a papier-mâché piñata modeled after the family’s dog…
Lonely Man’s Friday Evening Begins With Delightful Excavation of Belly Button
Local man Dennis Krawitz, 34, reported that his Friday night began “on a surprisingly high note” after he launched into what he described as a “deep…
Time Traveler’s Dream of Riding Dinosaur Ends in Bloody Pulp
A man who spent his life building a time machine for the sole purpose of riding a dinosaur finally achieved his dream Thursday, only to discover that…
Unicorn Frustrated No One Sees It’s Just Donkey With Massive Tumor
Despite centuries of breathless folklore, breath mint commercials, and poorly-thought-out tattoos, the world’s most beloved magical creature confirmed…
© 2025 JBW Investments · Publisher Privacy ∙ Publisher Terms
Substack · Privacy ∙ Terms ∙ Collection notice
Start your SubstackGet the app
Substack is the home for great culture