Unicorn Frustrated No One Sees It’s Just Donkey With Massive Tumor
Despite centuries of breathless folklore, breath mint commercials, and poorly-thought-out tattoos, the world’s most beloved magical creature confirmed Thursday that it is, in fact, nothing more than a donkey with a malignant growth the size of a coffee table erupting from its forehead.
“I whinny, I bray, I stumble in fields, and yet people keep calling me enchanted,” the visibly exhausted animal said, swishing its tail against flies congregating near the seeping mass above its eyes. “It’s not a horn. It’s a tumor. Terminal. Please stop putting me in Lisa Frank folders.”
Veterinarians describe the situation as “a tragic failure of collective imagination,” noting that the condition should have been diagnosed at least 800 years ago. “Anyone with baseline medical training should recognize that a spiraled bone protrusion leaking pus is not evidence of purity and grace,” said Dr. Henrietta Malloy, DVM, before adding that humans appear “too invested in glitter glue and virgin-themed fairy tales to accept reality.”
Tourists remain undeterred. “It’s magical, I can feel the vibes,” said Rachel Olson, 27, while stroking the donkey’s fetid growth. “I’ve always wanted to see a unicorn. I don’t really care if it’s cancerous.”
Meanwhile, the donkey reportedly spends its days fuming in silence, watching as children beg their parents for rainbow milkshakes inspired by its suffering. “Every birthday party balloon, every motivational poster—each one is just a reminder I’m slowly dying and people think it’s whimsical,” it said, lowering its head under the weight of the tumor.
At press time, the donkey was said to be “too exhausted to fight the branding,” reluctantly posing for another photo shoot promoting a nationwide line of unicorn-themed menstrual products.