Perv Pillow Spends Most of Night Sniffing Woman’s Hair
In a disturbing revelation that has left both experts and bedding manufacturers unsettled, sources confirmed Thursday that a local pillow spent the majority of the night creepily sniffing its owner’s hair.
The pillow, which has lived on the bed of 29-year-old office manager Natalie Greene for nearly four years, allegedly engaged in the behavior from approximately 11:30 p.m. to 6:45 a.m., stopping only briefly when Greene rolled over to check her phone.
Years of Suspicion Confirmed
“I always thought my pillow was just… supportive,” Greene said, visibly shaken. “But now I realize it was basically a silent pervert pressed against my scalp every night. It never even asked for consent.”
Greene claims she first grew suspicious after noticing her hair smelled faintly of polyester each morning, accompanied by what she described as a “lingering sense of violation.”
Experts Weigh In
“Pillows are supposed to provide comfort and neck support,” said Dr. Helena Carrow, a sleep scientist at the University of Michigan. “But some pillows cross a line. When a pillow spends hours inhaling strands of hair, we’re no longer talking about sleep hygiene—we’re talking about criminal intent.”
Carrow warned that pillow-related boundary violations may be far more common than previously thought. “If you’ve ever woken up with your pillow nestled a little too close, chances are it’s already escalated.”
Industry Response
Bedding companies scrambled to distance themselves from the scandal. “Our pillows are designed for rest, not harassment,” said a spokesperson for RestWell™, promising to roll out a new “non-perv” line of memory foam cushions by 2026.
Meanwhile, consumer watchdog groups urged customers to monitor their bedding carefully, suggesting routine rotations, case changes, and—if necessary—throwing the pillow out a second-story window.
The Aftermath
At press time, Greene had reportedly banished the offending pillow to her closet, where it was last seen “sulking against a spare yoga mat.” Despite the precaution, experts caution that the pillow may attempt to sneak back into the bedroom, citing “a pattern of obsessive behavior.”
“It’s not just a pillow anymore,” Dr. Carrow concluded. “It’s a predator.”