Scientists Horrified To Discover Tap Water Contains Nearly Twice as Much Hydrogen as Oxygen
A new federally funded study has sent shockwaves through the scientific community after researchers revealed that U.S. tap water contains nearly double the amount of hydrogen compared to oxygen, sparking widespread concern and confusion.
“Frankly, the numbers don’t lie,” said lead researcher Dr. Helena Carrow of the National Institute for Water Safety. “For every single oxygen atom we tested, there were almost always two hydrogen atoms lurking right beside it. This is unprecedented and deeply alarming.”
The Troubling Ratio
The study, which analyzed over 12,000 samples of municipal drinking water, found that the so-called “hydrogen-to-oxygen ratio” has remained consistently lopsided across the country. Researchers noted that this imbalance was present in New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, and “even Boise, where we thought water would be safer.”
“This is not what the Founding Fathers envisioned when they gave us fresh American water,” Carrow added grimly.
Experts Sound the Alarm
Scientists are already warning of possible health risks. “We don’t yet know what long-term exposure to two hydrogens per oxygen might do,” explained Dr. Mark Patel, a chemist who called the discovery “a public health time bomb.”
Patel suggested citizens consider alternatives such as “purchasing artisanal oxygen water” or “moving somewhere that’s less hydrogen-dependent, like Mars.”
Public Reaction
The revelation has left many Americans horrified. “I can’t believe I’ve been drinking this every day,” said local mother Brenda Lopez while pouring bottled water into a wine glass for her toddler. “No wonder people are getting headaches. It’s basically liquid hydrogen with a little oxygen garnish.”
Meanwhile, bottled water companies have already seized on the panic, releasing limited-edition “O-Pure” bottles advertised as being “completely free of dangerous hydrogen.” Prices reportedly start at $19.99 per liter.
Government Response
When asked for comment, a spokesperson for the Environmental Protection Agency assured the public that tap water “meets all current safety standards” but declined to explain why the hydrogen imbalance had gone unnoticed for so long.
At press time, scientists were working frantically to develop “hydrogen filters” that could restore water to a safer, more patriotic ratio of one-to-one.