Snail’s Shell No Match for Dickish Kid’s Sneaker
A neighborhood snail’s centuries-old evolutionary defense strategy proved completely useless Friday afternoon after it encountered the sneaker of a local child described by witnesses as “unnecessarily dickish.”
The incident occurred near a suburban sidewalk where the snail, believed to be about two years old, was reportedly “minding its own slimy business” before being flattened into what experts later classified as “abstract art.”
Nature’s Failure on Display
“Millions of years of natural selection went into that shell,” said Dr. Helena Carrow, a biologist who studies gastropods. “And in less than a second, a size 3 Velcro sneaker with dinosaur prints completely invalidated the entire species. This is why evolution can’t have nice things.”
Researchers estimate the snail’s shell cracked under 17 pounds of poorly distributed weight, leaving behind “a sticky, tragic mess” and one child who immediately bragged to his friends about “teaching nature a lesson.”
Witnesses Appalled, Child Unimpressed
Neighbors described the child, identified only as “Ethan, age 8,” as a “walking catastrophe.”
“First it was the snail. Last week it was a line of ants. Tomorrow, who knows? Maybe a frog,” said one local resident. “This kid is basically Godzilla, but shorter and with a juice box.”
Ethan, however, expressed no remorse. “The snail looked at me funny,” he explained, adding that he was “planning to step on more later” unless someone distracted him with Roblox.
Larger Implications
Scientists warn the event underscores how fragile nature is when confronted with the whims of bored children. “We like to think of the shell as a fortress,” Dr. Carrow said. “But in reality, it’s the equivalent of wearing papier-mâché armor into a monster truck rally.”
Animal rights groups condemned the incident but admitted their hotline gets at least “dozens of similar calls every spring, usually involving kids who mistake cruelty for entertainment.”