Couple Willing To Include Gimp In Home Sale For The Right Price
BOULDER, CO — In a move that realtors are calling “unorthodox but technically legal,” a Boulder couple has announced they are open to including their long-time live-in gimp as part of their home sale, provided the offer meets their asking price plus “a little wiggle room for sentimental value.”
According to the listing posted on Zillow late Thursday, the three-bedroom, two-bath craftsman comes with an updated kitchen, refinished hardwood floors, and a fully compliant basement dungeon “currently occupied by a discreet, flexible individual with no known allergies.”
“Most people just stage their homes with a few potted succulents,” said neighbor Linda Carroway, who admitted she was both horrified and impressed. “But they’ve taken staging to a whole new level. Hardwood floors are nice, but a built-in gimp? That’s turnkey living.”
The couple, Greg and Marianne Plowden, insist that the arrangement is entirely optional. “If buyers don’t want him, we’re happy to take him with us,” Greg explained, noting the gimp has been “part of the family” for over a decade. “But if you’ve ever dealt with moving day, you know what a hassle it is to transport a leather-clad man in chains up three flights of stairs. Honestly, we’d prefer to leave him.”
Realtors Caught Off Guard
Real estate agent Dana Havers admitted she initially balked at the idea. “I’ve been in this business twenty years, and the closest I’ve come to this was a guy who refused to sell unless the buyers adopted his iguana. But a full-time gimp? That’s a new line item.”
Havers confirmed she has adjusted the listing copy for SEO purposes, weaving in phrases like ‘home with unique features,’ ‘turnkey property with bonus occupant,’ and ‘Boulder real estate market gimp-friendly.’
“The market is competitive,” Havers added. “Some families want granite countertops. Others want open floor plans. And some, apparently, want a man who will stand silently in the corner of your den at 2 a.m. wearing a studded collar. It’s my job to accommodate all of that.”
Potential Buyers Divided
Prospective buyers have expressed mixed feelings.
“I love the school district, and the backyard is perfect for our kids,” said one interested father of two, “but I’m not sure I want to explain to my mother-in-law why a stranger in latex is vacuuming the drapes.”
Another buyer, however, called it a bargain. “You can’t get that kind of built-in lifestyle accessory at this price point. That’s Boulder value.”
The Gimp Remains Hopeful
Reached for comment through a series of muffled grunts and affirmative nods, the gimp indicated he was open to new ownership. Witnesses described him as “eager, flexible, and surprisingly good with a leaf blower.”
“He doesn’t eat much, and he already knows how to fetch packages off the porch,” Marianne said proudly. “Honestly, he’s lower-maintenance than our Roomba.”
Zillow Responds
A spokesperson for Zillow confirmed the listing does not technically violate platform guidelines, though the company is “monitoring buyer feedback.”
“As long as the gimp is described as ‘part of the property’s unique character’ and not a separate human sale, we’re fine,” the spokesperson clarified, before abruptly ending the call.
Final Word
At press time, the Plowdens reported they had received several offers over asking price, though most required the gimp be professionally deep-cleaned prior to closing.
“Look, we’re just trying to be flexible,” Greg said. “Some people throw in a washer and dryer. We’re throwing in a man who hasn’t seen daylight since Obama’s first term. It’s called good faith negotiating.”