Lonely Man’s Friday Evening Begins With Delightful Excavation of Belly Button
Local man Dennis Krawitz, 34, reported that his Friday night began “on a surprisingly high note” after he launched into what he described as a “deep, exploratory excavation” of his belly button around 7:12 p.m.
The activity, which Krawitz admitted has become a “semi-regular ritual,” was undertaken shortly after he realized he had no weekend plans, no text messages to reply to, and no reason to wear pants with a button.
A Night of Discovery
“Sometimes you just have to go looking,” said Krawitz, seated on a secondhand futon while inspecting the results of his archaeological dig. “Tonight I found what I can only describe as a layered sediment of cotton, lint, and shame. Honestly, it’s the most action I’ve had in weeks.”
Sources confirm Krawitz spent several minutes marveling at the lint ball he unearthed, briefly weighing whether to keep it as a “personal memento” before ultimately discarding it into a half-empty pizza box.
An Upgrade From Last Weekend
Friends say this is a notable improvement from Krawitz’s previous Friday night, which consisted largely of microwaving frozen burritos and rewatching a 2011 YouTube video titled “Dog Sneezes Like Human.”
“This was a banner evening for him,” noted one acquaintance. “The belly button dig is basically his Super Bowl.”
A Broader Trend?
Psychologists warn Krawitz’s behavior may reflect a growing pattern among single men entering their mid-30s. “There’s a fine line between self-care and despair,” said Dr. Helena Carrow, who studies the emotional coping strategies of men who live alone and own more gaming chairs than dinner chairs. “When your main weekend plan involves spelunking into your own torso, society has already failed you.”
Still, Carrow admits there’s a silver lining. “He could be doing drugs. Instead, he’s just rediscovering cotton.”
The Path Forward
At press time, Krawitz was reportedly considering pairing his belly button excavation with a “light grooming of ear canals” before calling it a night. Sources close to him indicated that Saturday’s itinerary would include “catching up on laundry” and “maybe crying a little bit, but only if the mood feels right.”