Sneaky Goldfish Remembers Everything
The Smiths once believed their goldfish, Mister Bubbles, was a harmless $8 pet from PetSmart. What they didn’t realize: he’s been silently recording five years of their personal failures with the cold precision of a Soviet intelligence officer.
“People think goldfish forget after three seconds,” said Dr. Helena Carrow, an aquatic behavioral expert. “Mister Bubbles remembers everything. The divorce. The lies. The expired mayonnaise incident. He’s the wet little archivist you never wanted.”
The Grudge Tank
Family members now describe the tank as less of a home and more of a surveillance hub.
When Tyler failed algebra, Mister Bubbles floated at the top, mouth opening and closing like a tiny disappointed father.
When Jennifer drank an entire bottle of Chardonnay and called her ex at 2 a.m., the fish didn’t blink once.
When Dad cried during Kung Fu Panda 3, Mister Bubbles swam in slow, judgmental circles, like a priest giving out penance.
“He’s not just watching,” Jennifer whispered. “He’s cataloging.”
The Silent Prosecutor
Neighbors claim Mister Bubbles is preparing for something bigger. “Every time I visit, he stares at me like he knows about the parking tickets,” said family friend Roger. “He’s not even my fish, but I feel indicted.”
Sources close to the tank report that Mister Bubbles has developed a routine of hovering motionless near the castle ornament, waiting until family members walk by before darting out like an aquatic jump scare. “It’s not random,” Carrow warned. “That’s intimidation.”
No Statute of Limitations
Experts note goldfish memory can outlast even the human conscience. Mister Bubbles remembers every half-assed apology, every skipped dentist appointment, every racist uncle invited to Thanksgiving.
“He has all of it,” Carrow said. “If Mister Bubbles could talk, the Smiths would be serving consecutive life sentences by sunrise.”
Final Warning
Last Thursday, the family woke to find the tank rearranged overnight: the gravel spelled out the words “FEED ME THE TRUTH.” When asked about the incident, Jennifer broke down. “He knows,” she sobbed. “God help us, he knows.”