Cleaning Up After Your Dog, Neighborly Or Liberal Hoax?

MOUNT PINE, OH — What began as a simple civic courtesy has now become the subject of national debate, as millions of Americans begin to question whether picking up dog feces is a polite gesture—or part of a larger progressive agenda.

According to a recent survey conducted by the Center for Civic Confusion, 37% of respondents said they believed bagging dog waste was “the right thing to do,” while another 42% referred to it as “performative woke nonsense.” The remaining 21% simply admitted to leaving it “wherever it lands.”

“First it was masks. Now it’s poop bags,” said Dennis Mulligan, a local dog owner and self-described “free-range patriot.” “I didn’t fight in three group chats about freedom just to bend over and scoop biological waste into a biodegradable lie.”

Some residents, however, support the practice—begrudgingly.
“I don’t like it,” said neighbor Claire O’Hara, while double-knotting a compostable lavender-scented sack. “But it’s either this or another HOA meeting with Kyle. And Kyle brings his laser pointer.”

The National Association of Neighborhood Decency (NAND) insists that picking up after pets remains a vital part of maintaining community standards, public health, and basic human decency. In response, a growing number of “PatriPoopers” have begun organizing what they call “Drop & Walk” protests, leaving symbolic turds on sidewalks in defiance of what they believe is government overreach disguised as sanitation.

One protestor, wearing a shirt that read “My Dog, My Rights”, told reporters, “It’s not just about the poop. It’s about control. And sometimes fiber.”