A single teaspoon of Tropicana Pure Premium poured on top of a five-ounce pour of Tito’s does not, in the eyes of God or man, transform the drink into a beverage. It transforms the drink into the same drink, slightly discolored. The mimosa you are pretending to have has 94% of its calories from the alcohol. The screwdriver you are pretending to have is, structurally, a shot with a Vitamin C garnish. Nobody is fooled. Not the bartender. Not your husband. Not the sun coming through the kitchen window at an angle that is, frankly, a little judgmental.
FRIED OCEAN RECOMMENDS
You are not going to be the guy with the bunker. You are going to be the guy with a phone at four percent and a bag of shredded cheese. Eight things that fix that, ranked by how you die without them.
Until next week. Stay weird.